Modest clothing

Clothes are so...modest now. I was walking around the women's department the other day, looking for your everyday slutty mini-skirt to pair with my push-up bra circa 1997 and instead what did I see? Knee length skirts. Sleeved dresses with belts that go around the waist. Shirts with buttons and pleats and dresses with... Petticoats? Makes you wonder doesn't it? (Probably not) Which came first, the clothes or the modest buyer? Have the Amish finally swayed the fashion world to see their side of the hem line?

I'm certainly not complaining. It's a lot easier to do my job (I'm a financial consultant for a Sales firm in New York that doesn't actually exist in real life.) wearing clothes that don't make me pretzel my way to the floor while I mop up dog puke with my bare hands. And my legs look thinner when only the bottom half is showing, probably because it creates this illusion that I'm hiding more leg than I really am under there.

It shouldn't surprise me that my husband hasn't noticed the trend towards modesty since he is the kind of man who has no problem going to work in black doc martens, a spotted tie and a flannel shirt, but it did surprise me a little. Then I remembered that men just see women naked, no matter what we're wearing, all they see is what their fabulous imaginations make up and reality plays almost no part in any of it, which is a beautiful thing.

Anyway, just thought I'd let you know, that it's safe to dig out that skirt you like but never wear in public because you're scared people are going to start treating you like Olivia Newton John before she put on the leather outfit in Grease.

Short shorts

Right now, you can't cross the street without running in to a Girlan (that's what I'm going to start calling a person who is too old to be a girl but too youthful looking to qualify as a woman) in those really short cut off shorts. You know the ones; ragged edges, probably denim, tighter than The Eagles singing Hotel California, shorter than your average maternity swim suit. Well anyway, if you're tempted, on that one day a month when you feel thin and beautiful and unbloated and unirritable and completely clean and unrushed and full of money to buy a pair, please consider this: it takes one and a half minutes of sitting on a toilet to get that pink ring around your butt. If it takes you longer than this to finish...you know....reading that article in National Geographic Traveler, maybe you should think about going a little longer on the hem and saving yourself from looking like a Waterbuck.

Clothes I own (and wear) but probably shouldn't.

I'll never forget walking down a street in Kathmandu, Nepal when I saw a girl walking towards me wearing Aladdin pants. She looked awesome. Seriously. She had on a tank top and the pants looked like she'd just sort of thrown them on and they made her waist look small and her walk look casual and I couldn't get myself to a stall fast enough to buy myself a pair of those pants in purple! Then I returned to Colorado and on my first walk down the street, my friend Phil shouted, "Can't touch this!" and started to do the MC Hammer dance on his driveway. I hope for your sake that you have no idea who MC Hammer is. I looked down at the long elephant butt crutch and the ballooning legs waiting for his words to shatter the spell, but no. I still love those pants. In my mind, I look just like the bohemian twenty year old and no amount of crab walking from Phil or anyone else can talk me out of those things.

I wish that were the only pair of pants in my wardrobe that people have begged me not to wear.

Then there is the blue dress. Oh man, the fabric is so soft, the skirt is loose and flirty and the top has enough ruffles on it that you actually can't tell if I have boobs, let alone boobs in or out of a bra. There is only one problem, the dress has an elastic waist. It's supposed to be worn around my waist, but I actually don't have one. I mean there is this very, very, short runway between my breasts and my hips but when I put on a dress like this, it just disappears and I turn in to Humpty Dumpty. I still wear it though, mostly I wear it when I'm at home because if Oprah suddenly comes to the door to hand me a million dollars, I don't want to be in my pyjamas while the cameras role and I cry with joy, but there's also a chance she might not pitch up in which case, I'd like to be very comfortable while I go about the glamorous work that is housekeeping.

And there is the box of thin clothes. The thing is, I saved all these clothes I was wearing when I was twenty five because they motivated me to get back to that weight after I'd had two children. I just didn't consider that two children would...you know....change things. So here I am, seven years later, back to the size I was before but shockingly, the clothes just don't look quite right. I look in the mirror and think, "Oh so this is what they mean when they say "Mutton dressed as Ham"." Still, I can't seem to let go of those clothes. There's a dress in there that I wore on our honeymoon and though it's not a great dress or anything, not particularly well made or classic in style and I probably wouldn't notice its absence if my house burnt down, I still put it on from time to time when the kids are asleep and my husband is doing a late night run to the grocery store, and in low light, after a few drinks, it looks just like it used to.

PS. No photos were used in this article since I know you well meaning readers would lie and say, "It doesn't look that bad," and further enable the bad dresser in me.

If I had a job that paid me actual money.

This is not a funny post, this is a very serious post. I have found beautiful dresses. Work dresses, date night dresses, your ex-husbands misstress' funeral dresses. There are so few advantages to being a woman. You get paid less but you're expected to spend more. You're in charge of growing babies and then you have the baby which leaves you with one big eye and one small eye not to mention all that other droopy stuff and all everyone can say is that you should try harder to look less like a mom. If you look too good you're trying too hard and if you don't look good enough you're not trying hard enough. Well I say, forget all that. Forget those haters. Clothes are supposed to be fun. And what is more fun than The Dress. While men are stuck in brown trousers all summer long, we have The Dress which is cool and colorful and a ready made outfit that takes seconds to put on. This is what Banana Republic has at their outlet mall (actually these are the last of them so if you are a size 4 or 6 and you like one of these, call me before I return them) and if you have a job that pays you real money, it is my opinion that you should own one of these. 

This is a Work and Date night dress. The top can hold you in enough that you're not having to adjust yourself all the time and the skirt is a nice, flattering and professional knee length. Still, the flare of that skirt is romantic enough to look good anywhere. Maybe this would be better suited for a blog post called "If I were Kelly Ripa." Because the skirt has a flare, you can wear this with flats without looking dumpy and if I were you, I'd wear red jewelry. This was my favorite dress because it was so versatile and it felt so cool in the heat but of course it was also the most expensive. This was $100 and I bought it in both a size 4 and 6.

The Date Night dress. This dress is just stunning. The belt and pockets on the skirt minced with that flirty frill on the collar....haba haba. I say that this is also a work dress if you can pin the neck closed a little so it doesn't go all the way down to Sexyville. And that color! It says to your co-worker or your date, "You better up your game darling." This is a classic so if you plan to be the same size for the next few years, you'd be right to invest in this dress which was $59.99. The one I am wearing is a size 4 but I also bought the size 6 to try on. Banana tends to be a little kind on their sizes so if you're normally a 6, you'll be a size 4 at their store.

This is a work dress. If you're not an Olympic ice skater, you'll probably have to wear heels with it since the skirt has no flare. Major pro: it does not crease. Major flaw: you'll have to suck in your stomach every time you get up from your desk. It's tight enough to look tidy but not so tight that it sticks to you. I was posing for these photos while my youngest was crying for me so I didn't have time to add jewelry but this style and color would be so much fun to bling up. On sale in a size 4 regular from Banana was $45. You can wear this in winter with boots, so if you ask me, that price is excellent....you know, if you have a job and all that.

A work dress. This is a size 6 from the regular department. Major pro: It was just $27. Major flaw: It creases. Still, it's linen so it creases expensively. This wasn't the right size for me but I loved it. Wear it with blue heels to work or black heels to the races. Full disclosure, I've never been to the races, so I have no idea what you would wear but in my mind, this is what I would wear.

Cowboy Boots for high arches

If, like me, you were born with a few unwelcome genes from one of your parents and one of them happens to be your fathers high arches; your hunt for cowboy boots is going to be about as disappointing as hearing Victoria Beckham speak for the first time. I can tell you right now that cowboy boots are high arch haters. If by some miracle of shoe horn you manage to get your foot past the curve of the boot, you're going to get stuck there because your feet are going to swell so much that all that foreplay energy you've been saving up is going to get spent trying to get those suckers off. I was told by a professional shoe salesman that I would never walk again....in real cowboy boots and that my only option was to buy these boots:

They are Justin Gypsy boots, they are very comfortable, run for under a $100 and when I tried them on, I almost cried. I have never felt less American than I did in these boots. I mean, where is the rest of this shoe? I get it, the corner has to be wider but why does the part that goes up your leg to make you look cool when you're wearing a dress have to be so short? If you have a pair of these shoes and you wore them when the country was going through the dress and cowgirl boots phase and you lived, then more power to you. Me, I wanted something more.

So I bought a pair of shoes from a (UK!) company called Frye Boots. My cowgirl friend told me that I looked ridiculous since no real cowgirl would wear those boots but my God I felt like I'd been given a second chance and I wasn't about to let it go. I think I look cute in them, so long as I am standing still that is since the only size that was on sale was a size bigger than I usually wear and so I have to wear thick winter socks in order to keep the boot from staying put while I walk on. And it's a heavy boot so no, it's not winning any comfort prizes and I look a little "weighed down" when I walk. But I bought them for under $100 which is crazy cheap in cowgirl boot speak and I can get my foot both in and out of them. Win!

Lastly, this is completely untested but here's another option worth checking out. It's a gumboot/galosh/cowgirl boot. I saw a woman in a restaurant wearing them so I looked them up. They are selling on Amazon for $35 right now so I'll probably wait until the entire world has bought them, driven the price up to $140 and then given them up for last years news before I buy a pair.
They are from a company called Nature breeze. Let me know if they are comfortable.

Mister Ugh

The creative genius behind this blog would like to apologise for the delay in reading material but would like to offer this explanation in response:

I ran a Half Marathon......yipee!......which made me feel like this.....

but before you can say "re-hydration" I rewarded my efforts with an eat-athon. So now I feel like this.....

Ones enthusiasm for clothes decreases with every single bite of lemon raspberry coffee cake, I can tell you that for certain, which is why I am typing this in my moo-moo.

Anyway, after a brief pause, a few bottles of TUMS and a little talking to myself, I'll be back.

Hairs to good here days

I have had a lot of bad hair in my life. Purple, permed, shaved, gray, yellow etc, etc. It took me thirty years to realize that people with good hair were not just born that way and that coloring my hair was not going to hide the extra weight I was carrying around. So I found a woman on youtube called "The Hip Chick Online" and she saved the day. Well, her and a colorist called Maxine at Toni and Guy who just ignores me when I talk. Anyway, since I don't have time to go shopping today, here is a quick before and after picture and a link to this magic woman who will finally show you how to use a curling iron. Honestly, if you have hair that is almost shoulder length or longer, you'll need a curling iron and chances are if you get a curling iron, you're going to need to watch this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O85aM7-BZqM

Is that how I share a link? Did that work? I feel like a monkey sitting here fumbling my way through this stuff.




BEFORE: It's big, fuzzy hair. If there are any make-up experts out there, please call me.

AFTER: This is my pose and click face. But the hair looks better don't you think? I like to flip it from side to side and act like I am naturally this perfect.