Clothes I own (and wear) but probably shouldn't.

I'll never forget walking down a street in Kathmandu, Nepal when I saw a girl walking towards me wearing Aladdin pants. She looked awesome. Seriously. She had on a tank top and the pants looked like she'd just sort of thrown them on and they made her waist look small and her walk look casual and I couldn't get myself to a stall fast enough to buy myself a pair of those pants in purple! Then I returned to Colorado and on my first walk down the street, my friend Phil shouted, "Can't touch this!" and started to do the MC Hammer dance on his driveway. I hope for your sake that you have no idea who MC Hammer is. I looked down at the long elephant butt crutch and the ballooning legs waiting for his words to shatter the spell, but no. I still love those pants. In my mind, I look just like the bohemian twenty year old and no amount of crab walking from Phil or anyone else can talk me out of those things.

I wish that were the only pair of pants in my wardrobe that people have begged me not to wear.

Then there is the blue dress. Oh man, the fabric is so soft, the skirt is loose and flirty and the top has enough ruffles on it that you actually can't tell if I have boobs, let alone boobs in or out of a bra. There is only one problem, the dress has an elastic waist. It's supposed to be worn around my waist, but I actually don't have one. I mean there is this very, very, short runway between my breasts and my hips but when I put on a dress like this, it just disappears and I turn in to Humpty Dumpty. I still wear it though, mostly I wear it when I'm at home because if Oprah suddenly comes to the door to hand me a million dollars, I don't want to be in my pyjamas while the cameras role and I cry with joy, but there's also a chance she might not pitch up in which case, I'd like to be very comfortable while I go about the glamorous work that is housekeeping.

And there is the box of thin clothes. The thing is, I saved all these clothes I was wearing when I was twenty five because they motivated me to get back to that weight after I'd had two children. I just didn't consider that two children would...you know....change things. So here I am, seven years later, back to the size I was before but shockingly, the clothes just don't look quite right. I look in the mirror and think, "Oh so this is what they mean when they say "Mutton dressed as Ham"." Still, I can't seem to let go of those clothes. There's a dress in there that I wore on our honeymoon and though it's not a great dress or anything, not particularly well made or classic in style and I probably wouldn't notice its absence if my house burnt down, I still put it on from time to time when the kids are asleep and my husband is doing a late night run to the grocery store, and in low light, after a few drinks, it looks just like it used to.

PS. No photos were used in this article since I know you well meaning readers would lie and say, "It doesn't look that bad," and further enable the bad dresser in me.

If I had a job that paid me actual money.

This is not a funny post, this is a very serious post. I have found beautiful dresses. Work dresses, date night dresses, your ex-husbands misstress' funeral dresses. There are so few advantages to being a woman. You get paid less but you're expected to spend more. You're in charge of growing babies and then you have the baby which leaves you with one big eye and one small eye not to mention all that other droopy stuff and all everyone can say is that you should try harder to look less like a mom. If you look too good you're trying too hard and if you don't look good enough you're not trying hard enough. Well I say, forget all that. Forget those haters. Clothes are supposed to be fun. And what is more fun than The Dress. While men are stuck in brown trousers all summer long, we have The Dress which is cool and colorful and a ready made outfit that takes seconds to put on. This is what Banana Republic has at their outlet mall (actually these are the last of them so if you are a size 4 or 6 and you like one of these, call me before I return them) and if you have a job that pays you real money, it is my opinion that you should own one of these. 

This is a Work and Date night dress. The top can hold you in enough that you're not having to adjust yourself all the time and the skirt is a nice, flattering and professional knee length. Still, the flare of that skirt is romantic enough to look good anywhere. Maybe this would be better suited for a blog post called "If I were Kelly Ripa." Because the skirt has a flare, you can wear this with flats without looking dumpy and if I were you, I'd wear red jewelry. This was my favorite dress because it was so versatile and it felt so cool in the heat but of course it was also the most expensive. This was $100 and I bought it in both a size 4 and 6.

The Date Night dress. This dress is just stunning. The belt and pockets on the skirt minced with that flirty frill on the collar....haba haba. I say that this is also a work dress if you can pin the neck closed a little so it doesn't go all the way down to Sexyville. And that color! It says to your co-worker or your date, "You better up your game darling." This is a classic so if you plan to be the same size for the next few years, you'd be right to invest in this dress which was $59.99. The one I am wearing is a size 4 but I also bought the size 6 to try on. Banana tends to be a little kind on their sizes so if you're normally a 6, you'll be a size 4 at their store.

This is a work dress. If you're not an Olympic ice skater, you'll probably have to wear heels with it since the skirt has no flare. Major pro: it does not crease. Major flaw: you'll have to suck in your stomach every time you get up from your desk. It's tight enough to look tidy but not so tight that it sticks to you. I was posing for these photos while my youngest was crying for me so I didn't have time to add jewelry but this style and color would be so much fun to bling up. On sale in a size 4 regular from Banana was $45. You can wear this in winter with boots, so if you ask me, that price is excellent....you know, if you have a job and all that.

A work dress. This is a size 6 from the regular department. Major pro: It was just $27. Major flaw: It creases. Still, it's linen so it creases expensively. This wasn't the right size for me but I loved it. Wear it with blue heels to work or black heels to the races. Full disclosure, I've never been to the races, so I have no idea what you would wear but in my mind, this is what I would wear.